I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i love accidental penises.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
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Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
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I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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