WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
