Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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