Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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