I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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