I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
