i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
