Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
