mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
