Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
