Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
