So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
