For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
