Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
