Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Randomize
