Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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