Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Fuck me I smell like cheese
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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