This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Randomize
