so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
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I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
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I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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