Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
