that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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