Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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