you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
