I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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