I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
