i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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