there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
