why didn't you poke me back
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
