So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
