my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
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Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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