if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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