she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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