you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
