found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You ruined the universe
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
