When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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