I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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