I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
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Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
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I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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