I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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