Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
