i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
