I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
