Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
