and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
