why didn't you poke me back
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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