I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
