someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
