I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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