i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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