I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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