hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
