I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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