I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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