Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
