This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
