Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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