I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
