i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
