I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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