quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
