So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
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She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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